Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Dr. Ben Carson wrote down every single thought he ever had he would get an award for the shortest story ever.

   Expect nothing and you’ll never be dissapointed!!! Yeah I am talking about you, Bernie Sanders supporters.

   Here let me drop whats important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs, Kim Kardashian.

   I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

   Always listen to your imaginary friend when they say you need a therapist.

   My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues, perhaps it's time to install that security alarm.

   Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.

   3 AM Phone Call: Hey are you asleep? – No, I was in coma thank you for rescuing me!!!

   A stripper quit her job. She was tired of the same old thong and dance.

   Sorry I'm late for work but now that McDonald's serves breakfast all day I don't really have much of an incentive to wake up before 10 am

   There are successful cliff divers.... and there's stuff on a rock.

   I feel like Donald Trump had his wisdom teeth taken out, but the anesthesia never wore off.

   Words to live by - do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles.

   Hillary Clinton says she tries not to miss Reruns of 'Grey's Anatomy.' Bill said, 'I watched it once. Not enough anatomy.'"

   2 cows are standing in a field. One cow turns to the other and asks, "Are you worried about getting this mad cow disease that's rotting our brains?" The other cow replies, "Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."

   Dear Weekend, I swear the weekdays mean nothing to me. You're the one I want to be with.

   .... When I was a kid I always wanted to become a Dr. and change my last name to Acula ...

   Just for kicks I'd hire Two Private investigators just to have them follow each other around.

   ... I like going to my physical checkups eating a mayonaisse jar filled with vanilla pudding and looking at the doctor's face when I tell him I do not have an eating problem.