Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

   I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.

   Mexico. I need to decide what outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."

   Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.

   I'm going to start using the word "organic" in my all post. Sorry.....but inevitably I will have to pass the cost on to you guys.......

   .... This just in .... Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!

   Someone should start a summer camp for parents where you go to a lake without your kids and just sleep for a week.

   If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

   I couldn’t be on “Deadliest Catch,” because I get seasick in my hot tub.

   A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

   Don't walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else at the Trump rally.

   It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

   If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

   Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

   How are we to believe science actually knows anything when they can't decide whether eggs are good or bad for you, or if Pluto is a planet or not?

   For those that don't know, I'm getting married on May 7th. Since it's short notice don't worry about bringing wedding gifts, just bring someone for me to marry. Thanks