Funny Status Messages

      In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.

   'If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

   Drop Dead Gorgeous females... Just because we want to hang out with you, doesn't mean we wanna bang you. It just means we're looking to expand our small circle of friends, and you seem like you would be a worthy candidate. No need to be stuck up.

   Officer that's a medicinal hooker I swear !

   Im starting to get alarmed at the rate which Facebook keeps bringing up things from my past

   BEER BATTERED FISH: Still don't understand how beating it with a can of beer makes it taste any better.

   Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.

   Don't roll your eyes at me. We aren't married yet.

   No one knows you better than your browser.

   We prayed for France and Lebanon now let's take a moment of silence and Pray for Ronda Rousey 🙏🏼🙏🏼

   Before Facebook, I used to write this stuff on slips of paper and put them in the pockets of unsold pants at Old Navy.

   Did someone wake up Ronda, I'm sure she had things to do today.

   Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.

   don't let her cry her way outta the argument. she's an adult. you can yell at her through the tears. be strong, bro.

   The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.

   Let me get this straight: The passports of the 9/11 terrorists, of those on the MH17, and of one of the Paris bombers - all survived! I don't know about you but I think it's time we started making clothes out of passports!

   Scrolling thru my feed it looks like an advertisement for Aqua fresh toothpaste.

   a wheelchair is just grocery cart to a cannibal

   [being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

   Went grocery shopping hungry. Left with 3 cases of beer and a bag of pretzels.