Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A recent survey showed 65% of Americans can't name a single Supreme Court justice and that's sad because HELLO Judge Judy.

   In Amsterdam, everyone rides a bicycle and no one cares how excited you are to buy marijuana.

   If I threw all my problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, I'd grab mines back...

   going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they act up I will just hit them all at once

   knows. It doesn't bother me at all. Do I hold any hard feelings? Not at all, ... Life is too short to sit around and hold grudges. I don't hold any whatsoever.

   Going to MacDonalds for a Salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

   The two Garden of Eden rules: 1 Dont eat of the fruit of the tree of good and evil, 2 don't put that thing in her mouth!

   what did 50 cent say to his Grandma who was sewing a Sweater ?? Gee-You-Knit !!!!

   spent yet another day successfully converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   wondering why men cheat on the wifey type for a hoe and when they get the hoe they want the wifey type back

   i can not take away your storms of life but I can help you dance through the puddles!!!

   Panty lines are so nasty, your a grown a$s woman sh!t put on a thong, g-string, boy shorts, or go panty less if you have too

   I think Myspace can be unblocked at work now. Facebook takes up most of my time there anyway.

   got a new toilet brush, I tried it, but I think I'm going to stick with the paper.

   The 186th rule of Fight Club is there is no such thing as a male BFF...!

   Why do men name their penis? They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

   it fair to say that there'd be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks?

   You may write me down in history with your bitter, twisted lies... You may trod me in the very dirt... But still, like the dust, I'll rise!

   I Hate It When I Go To Bed And Forget To Turn My Swag Off.

   Just been watching some paralympic basketball. The shooting and passing is pretty crap but the dribbling is amazing.