Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   7 out of 10 England Fans think England will win the World Cup 2010. . . . the other 3 aren't drunk yet!

   It's not every day you see a grown man on a treadmill making Six Million Dollar Man sound effects. Remarkably, this girl next to me remains unimpressed.

   Dear god, If you give us back Kurt Cobain, we'll give you Lady GaGa!

   have you heard of the new paint called "blonde"? its not very bright but it spreads easy

   I once was on a diet for a month and lost 30 days

   Some people rake leaves, others blow them. I prefer the flamethrower, it's fun for the whole neighborhood.

   If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

   I'm beginning to suspect the only reason I'm not hungover is because I'm still drunk.

   Handle every situation like a dog.If you can't eat it or hump it,then p*ss on it and walk away.

   Facebook is perfect for me. It's the c0cktail party where you don't have to wait your turn to speak.

   If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

   I'm going back to traffic school to get my Masters.

   Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me.

   Please don't ever change! I always want to be better than you.

   A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession....the silver lining though is that most of them can just sleep in late the next day.

   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away...

   I'd let you talk more, but you're not as interesting as I am.

   confused why these stars adopt kids to have other people raise them.

   I just saw 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was "Shout For Help".

   My life is proof that you can party as a profession.