Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who said, you have to eat healthy to get in shape?

   My baby is always one year old because I welcome people's we-ird question about his age with my middle finger.

   Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail... Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn’t be done over text.

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn’t have said.

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

   If you're dating someone, you really shouldn't give a sh*t what anyone who's not in your relationship thinks about it.

   Guys will never win an argument with their girl. You think you won and 3 hours later she comes back for round 2.

   Nobody talks on the phone anymore. If I like you, I'd rather hear your voice. Texting has made sh*t less intimate.

   If you can't sleep, call your ex and harass them. They don't deserve to sleep either.

   Gotta grab your girls booty in public to let other guys know you bout that life.

   If you piss your girl off, she'll tell you Goodnight at 2pm.

   My friends vasectomy did not keep his wife from getting pregnant apparently it just changed the color of the baby...

   Never take acid with a squirell named... Hey squirell dude, what's your name? Phil? Never take acid with a squirell named Phil.

   you should make a barbecue of a rude guest.

   I'm not telling my new girlfriend about my vasectomy. She really wants to have a baby.

   the water on mars tastes like alien piss

   Just imagine...with one touch of a button, your 5 year old could upload all your phone's photos to iCloud.

   Word has it that the virgins in paradise have had enough! They ask, "What did we do to be stuck with these filthy, smelly, violent, brain-damaged jihadists?"

   If Cocoa Beach isn't made of hot chocolate, I don't wanna hear about it.

   A new message will appear here in 15 minutes. If one does not, kindly re-read this note.