Funny Status Messages

   Out of all the lies I've told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.

   Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...

   "I fear no man," I whisper, trembling before a group of women.

   I bet everything thing you eat and drink at Donald Trump's house has a hair in it.

   My biggest fear is meeting my soulmate in Arkansas and finding out she's a product of Centuries of inbreeding.

   The only exercise I've done this month is running out of money

   Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...I had to smash."

   I respect womens opinions until they say they're in a relationship.

   If you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?

   Thank God for yoga pants because I used up all of my imgination back in the 90's descrambling cable tv porn.

   When the morning hits your eye like a big smelly cow pie.... That's A-Mon-dayyyyyy......

   Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I'm finally ready to start harassing people.

   so they're growing their own vegetables on an International Space Station that cost billions of dollars and it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.

   The only reason the national nightly news is still on is to show all the new drug commercials.

   - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

   Jennifer Aniston has kept me in the Friends zone for years.

   When parents on Facebook post about how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he'd be held back!"

   I just got a new Epi-pen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it, for some reason.

   The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...

   If I like your posted music vids ..99.9 % I never watched it..Sorry I can not lie...