Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

   Don't worry about people from your past, There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

   just drove passed a Budweiser Delivery truck wrecked on the side of the freeway, oh the humanity... I'd like a moment of silence please...

   What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male Fraud.

   Almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met :(

   did you know that Women in New York may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

   My friend was too cheap to hire a proper butler. So he ended up with one with no left arm. Serves him right.

   got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

   Yes. I am aware that my shirt is wrinkled and no I didn't feel like ironing it....don't judge me.

   "never on schedule, but always on time."

   people get hurt when others don't have the nerve to say what they truly feel

   Yo mama is so fat, when she walked outside in a red dress, everybody started dancing and shouted "KOOOOOOOL-AID!"

   (This Status Message Was Left Blank Due To The Down Right Rudeness and Frankness Of The Subject Matter Not Suitable For Facebook or Other PG Rated Social Networking Sites. Thank You Facebook Admin.)

   making some changes to her life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. If I don't return your message you were one of the changes!

   I can't stand people who look down on people who look down on people.

   If he were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.

   dear lord: please give us back tupac & we'll give you justin beiber in return.

   Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

   I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

   There is a great need for sarcasm font