Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it I always get on an airplane to ultimately get seated between someone that doesn't believe in deodorant and someone that weighs 300lbs? This is why people hate flying

   Whats the definition of Necrophelia? Its that irresistable urge to crack open a cold one.

   Wondering why people with food stamps drive escalades?

   dont make love in your back garden! love is blind but ur neighbours arnt!!

   woke up with the song Wonderwall by Oasis in my head, along with the word "portmanteau" for some reason... some days I feel like if Freud were still alive he'd look at me, shrug, and say, "Fuck, I don't know man. You're on your own with that one."

   To all those who look down on me; I'm tearin' down your balcony.

   says 'gardening' is what it's called when adults want to play in the dirt!

   Spiders are "just bugs"? Oh then I guess king kong is "just a monkey" huh pal? You kill it!!!!

   You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it wouldn't be useful in a combat situation.

   Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.

   Canada still up there? Somebody really should check now and then.

   wouldn't the world be a better place if girls were like DOGS , always naked

   Canadian teen idol Justin Bieber scored a nomination for a 2010 Black Entertainment Television award. It's official, the world is coming to an end...

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

   I just saw a Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar together. I have a feeling something funny is about to happen

   Get off the phone while you driving and while your at it, pick a lane and stick to it

   likes reading FML stories because it makes my life seem Amazing!

   She didn't make me pay before she gave me service........... So I paid her in Trident Layers.........

   I said to my girlfriend "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My girlfriend is slightly retarded." Oh,what fun I had.

   As a taxpayer, I demand police escorts for emergency situations... Such as trying to get Ice cream to work from Braum's before its melts...