Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Quagmire has tons of child support to pay.

   ♥ uʍop ǝpıısdn pןɹoʍ ʎɯ uɹnʇ noʎ ♥

   I don't hate the police but I seem to feel better when they're not around.

   A lie is just a great story somebody ruined with the truth.

   (Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet)- Theres Always That One Lil Bird That Likes To Hang Right Outside My Bedroom Window At Aprox 5am -(Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet)- Like Doesnt He Have a Worm To Go Catch or Maybe a Car To Sh!t On????

   The unrest in Iran makes me proud to live in a country where corrupt politicians are smart enough to keep rigged elections close...

   It may be a sign we're winning the war on terror when the Taliban take credit for a guy who tried to make a bomb out of fireworks...

   ....yup....I definately had asparagus last night!!!

   you can pick your friends....you can pick your nose.......but you can't pick your friend's nose!

   The cops came to my house earlier saying that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said, my dog doesn't have a bike

   When I was a kid, Cheerios only came in one flavor.

   Some day Bristol Palin will tell her child "I made $15,000 a speech telling kids how to avoid making a mistake like you!"

   don't you just hate it when you think you've bought a mail order bride on a Chinese language website, then realize you've adopted a panda?

   I saw a sign that said "DRINK CANADA DRY" so I moved to Toronto.

   Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

   I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted...

   My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel...

   I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it...

   There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

   would like to thank the guy who invented air conditioning, but a big F#CK YOU to the electric company for trying to charge to much to turn it on