Funny Status Messages

   Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?" Me: "Why? What've you got?"

   TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.

   "Dammit I'm Mad" is spelled the same way backwards..

   Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I bothknow I don't make enough money to have a drugproblem

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat........

   "You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

   I got to work late this morning so I have to leave early to make up for it.

   " How much for that bouncy castle " Sir that's a woman

   I wish I loved anything as much as women love telling other women "that's perfectly normal" without any medical training whatsoever.

   I will be a functioning member of society today -calls in sick

   Yoga pants should be regulated. Excuse me ma'am, license and registration please

   My thigh gap brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "standing with your feet 5 feet apart isn't a thigh gap."

   President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?

   Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your neon thong.

   How much for the vacation home? Sir, this is a coffin.

   To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.

   FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament....

   America. Even when we lose, we still win..... USA!!

   Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore I was wearing one but I was still shot by the woman's husband

   Here's a little pro tip for ya, it doesn't have to be your birthday to buy a birthday cake. They'll just sell it to you no questions asked.