Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dyslexic which means never having to say that you're yrros

   One used and abused slightly broken heart for sale or trade for newer model

   decided to burn some calories this weekend so I set a fat kid on fire.

   Thinks MONDAY would be a good name for a Pitbull....BAD MONDAY.....BAD

   practicing karate. You know - waxing on and off, painting the fence, sanding the floor,

   Lorie Goodman ...Is having my own tribute to Dio by Cranking the music up and blowing my eardrums out for! MORIN!

   I'm about to conquer a mountain of BBQ meat so epic that my utensils are a beach towel, safety goggles, and police tape.

   I wonder if gay people ever say things like "Oh my god that is SO straight."

   Attention all joined-at-the-hip couples: "Inseparable" and "Insufferable" sound alike for a reason.

   After doing some research, It turns out that not EVERYBODY was kung-fu fighting. It was just this one guy

   I'm super sick, and while I don't need anyone to nurse me back to health but I'd like someone to pick up my tissues and let me be mean to them..

   After 2 years I finally found the back piece to one of my remotes. This means more to me than it probably should.

   ♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫

   Hiding peoples status' on your news feed is the best way of sayin f*ck you're annoying but I don't wanna delete you cuz you'll notice.

   Whoever said "two wrongs don't make a right" has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.

   serve her a large drink with a full banana hidden inside it. If she gulp it in one shoot with no problem I know i'm in for a long night!

   Think back to 1850. California became a state. The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. Nothing has changed, except then women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands!

   I don't care what anyone says...ice cream is a very important element to any healthy diet!!

   just got a 'friend request' from Dr. Phil as suggested by another friend....Hmmmm, is this friend trying to tell me something???

   I want to buy a Labrador for my niece but i'm a bit scared. I can't help but notice how many Labrador owners have gone blind.