Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"

   Making lunches for my kids I spotted some mold on the block of cheese and was about to throw it away. My mom stopped me and told me to scrape it off. "They won't even notice... just like you never did." Mom is no longer allowed in the kitchen....EVER..!

   dear facebook,stop spamming my wall with dating site Ads or am going to change my relationship status from single to married and sue you for temptation.love,me.

   wondering if anyone else thinks that the new Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan looks like Paul Blart in the "Mall Cop" movie?

   why are all black men fast??..... because all the slow ones are in prison

   I download illegally simply because I simply don't want to pay for stuff

   Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)

   I find it funny when people mention 'boys toys' I think of gadgets, cars, consoles. But when they mention 'womens toys' I think of vibrators, nipple clamps and whips

   according to VH1 calling women's boobs chesticles makes me undateable.what a bummer

   saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

   What where Abe Lincoln's first words after he woke up from a three day bender? " I FREED WHO?"

   it is never too late to be what you might have been.. :D

   You must been born on the freeway .cuz that's where most accidents happen.

   saw a sign in the hospital the other day that read "Family Planning - Use rear entrance" ........ good advice I thought

   I wear the pants in my house ....... straight after I've washed and ironed them. Yep I'M THE BOSS when shes not home and she bloody well knows it too !!!

   The she in all those "that's what she said" jokes.

   Well that's funny...actions do not speak louder than words when you're beating a mime.

   There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Ones who make things happen, ones who watch things happen, and ones who wondered what happened.....

   loves big ( @ )Y( @ ) and small (.)y(.) chesticles.

   ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!