Funny Status Messages
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Earth Day sounds like birthday, and that just makes me want cake. So thanks for making me fat Earth Day 
Ladies: Anything is a d ildo if you're brave enough
Sir your resume just says 'FUN' in huge letters and then you list all the crimes you've committed.
Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f cuk down.
Pro tip: Let women know ahead of time how bad you are in bed by overusing the word "awesome"
What's cardio, and can I eat it?
I selfie-a-day so people don't think I died.
'Why are you walking away when we're in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! At least give me your number!'
A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class.
"Happy Earth Day! Our planet looks pretty good for only being 6,000 years old!" - Ken Ham.
Angry, angry Christians everywhere (insert toy story meme here)
Dear coworker who just microwaved hobo feet for lunch,,,, We hate you.. Love Stanley
If you use a Wal-Mart bathroom there's no need to wash your hands... You're going to die anyway.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
*Does impersonation of the Swedish Chef for no reason 5 minutes into first date*
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away
It's a little difficult to fully immerse yourself in a band called "I hate myself" when hmv is blasting pharrels "happy" over the sound system.
RESEARCH: Bilderberg, Bohemian Grove, Club of Rome, Committee of 300, Skull and Bones Society, HAARP, Chemtrails, Project Bluebeam, Georgia Guidestones
RESEARCH: Tin foil hat club. Too much time on hands club. Lives in parents basement club. 