Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone at work said to me, "Inquiring minds want to know if you have a boyfriend" I said, "Yes, I do, but don't tell my husband."

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   Dear gigantic flock of birds chirping loudly in the parking lot sh*ting all over my car, There's still more north left... Go annoy Canada...

   haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

   I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

   Playboy in 3-D! Take that, 18 billion hours of free, readily available Internet porn.

   Somebody slipped a hangover in my drink last night

   Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker...

   I am anxious about how much Xanax I'm taking.

   remember..we are all just human...except Ryan Seacrest...he's a midget alien from Mars.

   Do I even want to know how one would contract herpes of the eye?

   If it weren't for my feet I don't know how I'd ever shut the car door.

   It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.

   If BP needs a giant box to contain all the oil, they can call any of my ex-girlfriends.

   If wishes and buts were candy and nuts, Obama supporters would have the White House filled with pimps and sluts

   whoever said "never regret" obviously never had taco bell

   Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and unpredictable.

   Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.

   Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped you in the 12th grade lives in his mother's basement.

   NASCAR: Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks