Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you take a shot and yell "cinco de mayo!" its a celebration. If you take a shot and yell "Wednesday!" its an intervention

   Yesterday I put in a bid for a “Cowboy Outfit”.. on ebay and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning the South austrailan Government!

   ok, the dude was on the no flight list 24 hrs prior to him boarding the plane, but the airlines werent aware of it cuz they update they database every 24 hrs??? better hit that "Refresh" button every hour then, Gee!

   writing your phone number on the toilet wall

   The next person who suggests that, when I die, I should leave my organs to medical science is really gonna get a piece of my mind.

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words

   Church = Free Wine

   My mom hates when I put tin-foil in the microwave and make my own fireworks!

   gathering Dwayne Johnson to throw at you...

   I wasn't always into peer pressure......My friends got me into it.

   "Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes."

   Sometimes it seems I spend half my life just breathing in.

   I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.

   Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs

   What's worse than a joke without a punchline?

   Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do

   I see Boomerangs are making a comeback

   The in-correct use of punctuation, really pisses me off?

   -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !

   - I saw an article in a magazine titled, "10 ways to make your wife come".........I didn't bother reading it though...... I'm too f***ing busy searching for 1 way to make her go......