Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I've found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

   You may think it's bad grammar but I assure you it's just laziness.

   What idiot called it lap dancing instead of organ grinding?

   I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.

   I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.

   The bad thing about all dogs going to heaven would be all the dog sh*t everywhere.

   Wished Justin Bieber would do a tour in the Middle East, Afghanistan to be specific..

   Human beings used to do some crazy things before the Facebook. For example, they used to go outside and meet people.

   No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won't be enough.

   I'm the black sheep of my family, or as I like to say, I'm not the boring one.

   Women get really mad if you put your d*ck in their mouth when they're applying mascara.

   A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.

   Just once I'd love to attend a funeral where people are being honest and keeping it real about the deceased asking questions like, "Who here is going to pay me the money he owed me?"

   You know a woman by the way she...just kidding. You can never know a woman by anything.

   Religion in the head of a fool can be a dangerous thing.

   If you are keeping up with the Kardashians and you are a guy, I have bad news for you. You may not already know this but you are gay.

   Everyone has someone they can trust with everything. Except their phone. No one trusts anyone with their phone.

   Sorry, ladies, but if he has a 4" d*ck, he'll never really be that into you.

   I never trust vans with clear windows because I can already see that they don't have candy in them.

   Eminem is the only rapper that sings crap about his mom. Because all the other rappers are black and know about getting their asses whooped.