Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"

   A friend in Arizona was about to roll a joint but was busted because he didn't have any papers

   My futon might pull out, but I don't!

   The only thing that could make this pizza better would be an s.

   Dear men who are smart and hot and madly in love with me: Please start existing.

   just read that Alice in Wonderland is rated PG due in part to 'a smoking caterpillar.' I, for one, am so sick of movies glamorizing caterpillars.

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better

   pretty damn sure that Starbucks clearly has no idea we're in a recession.

   doesn't want you to call me lazy until you've walked a couple of steps in my flip-flops.

   If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming...

   You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.

   I Want some Coke so I can have fun 2night at home

   "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." George W. Bush

   a female friend of mine is taking self defense class - they told her not to yell "Help" when being attacked - you are supposed to yell "Fire". I said, "what if the attacker is holding a gun?"

   Lady luck is a wench. She only shows up when your winning.

   would like to remind everyone to Wang Chung tonight.

   I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

   Just watched "fourth kind", I think I need to go to church!

   a paper cut is a trees last revenge =)

   so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.