Funny Status Messages

   Everybody's talking about IOS 7..What is it?.. I Still Own windows 7

   I have been going to the gym for 6 years now, still never gone in.

   Today I just want to cry while stabbing things.

   To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.

   I'm a keeper...of bees.

   If a woman raises her voice during an argument she's really saying, "STOP THROWING LOGIC AT ME WHEN I'm TRYING TO BE IRRATIONAL!"

   The only person who should have a gold iPhone is Mike Myers...

   i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me

   Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.

   I don't Obamaknow and I don't Obamacare......

   Hello, I am Inigo Montoya,,, I am your waiter,,, here's your menu,,, prepare to dine.

   *at my 8th grade spelling bee*.. "spell ABANDON".... ABANDON,, D-A-D,,, *judge starts sobbing into mic then slams the bell*

   At Olive Garden, request a table for one, last name Birthday. When your tables ready they say "Birthday party for 1".... Then just cry.

   Willy Wonka is put on death row. Requests Everlasting Gobstopper as final meal.....LOL, Lives forever.

   Burned a clock today... Actually ended up inhaling a lot of "secondhand" smoke.

   How did the tooth cross the river? It took the "tooth ferry"......... Thanks, I'll be here all week

   When you're ugly and you hear attractive people call themselves ugly and your self esteem goes down by 14564%

   Whatever you do - when a policeman comes to your door with his handcuffs out and asks for you, do not try to put a dollar bill in his belt using your teeth. .....do not ask me how I know that.

   My life is like Grand Theft Auto V except I drive a Subaru Outback and the cops wave at me

   Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..