Funny Status Messages

   Walking calmly and nonchalantly to the bathroom and then fighting to get my britches down in record time so's I don't poop down a pant leg seems to be among my most recent list of super powers today. Life is good ツ

   Note to self: Don't flirt with unstable girls. They take you serious.

   It's a big turn off when a woman takes out a restraining order against you... but it's definitely not a deal breaker.

   Hey, Apple: Don't waste my time with this iPhone 5S unless it's learned that nobody's ever typing "ducking he'll."

   Phillip is cryin a River after that Texan sized ass whoopin

   The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

   My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

   One man’s trash is another man’s daughter.

   In my opinion, my opinion is so much better than your opinion!

   We’re all photogenic on the millionth try!

   education should be free for those willing to learn

   I play hopscotch all the time! I also play hopvodka, hoprum, and hoptequila.

   Dentist: "If it hurts, just imagine yourself on tropical isle lying under a palm tree." Dentist: "Does that help?" Me: "Yeah, except every 2 seconds a coconut falls and hits me in the mouth."

   saying Cray Cray makes me want to stab you in the fay fay.

   People that say "money doesn't buy happiness" obviously have never been divorced.

   I wish more people were fluent in silence.

   i don't know how to work the panoramic options on my phone so I'm not gonna be able to send all you wanted to see in one picture..sorry

   Cancer is the Syria of diseases.

   If the U.S. were worried about Assad killing people it would've intervened along time ago. The chemical weapons put Israel under a threat.

   If you can't handle Batman at his Ben Affleck then you don't deserve him at his Christian Bale.