Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   drunk dialing but luckily my mom stopped me. Thanks MADD (motha's against drunk dialing)

   scouring youtube for the naked videos that somehow make it through.

   Instead of going thru all the trouble of getting in shape I think I'll just adopt a catchey nickname like "THE OVER WEIGHT LOVER HEAVY J"

   a plethera of useless knowledge. In other words I would so win at Jeopardy!

   Instead of studying for Finals I am currently putting together my audition tape for the next season of Jersey Shore...Not Glee...I have standards...

   Kevin says: " Ive been poking this girl on facebook for a while.... But I dont get it.. All I do is poke her, and thats it.. no conversation, no thank you... no nothing.. WTF? :]"

   Last night a horse came up to me and told me not to drive home................... Now that I think about it, there might have been a cop sitting on top of it.

   Hating is the sincerest form of flattery...

   If you don't like me remember it's mind over matter; I don't mind and you don't matter.

   Don't hate cuz I'm good; hate cuz you can't compete...

   thinks people need to quit confusing Facebook with a clothes line. It is not a place to air your dirty laundry.

   Rental advertising terminology: Cute=OMG, my closet is bigger than this. Charming=houses still had dirt floors when this was built. Close to transportation=right next to the railroad tracks. One month FREE=your neighbors are crackheads.

   OMG........ just got pull over by Mt. View PD guess I was going 85 in a 65. The officer ask me "Do you know how fast you were driving". I said "NO my car thought it was a Toyota Prius"

   thinks we don't need a 51st star with our current economy!

   When down on this hot lesbian, just to taste the rainbow

   Does "I caught myself singing a Justin Beiber song" go at the beginning or the end of a suicide note?

   I don't know how to tell my parents they're adopted.

   The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'

   I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with keyboards

   shall not waste his days in trying to prolong them.