Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   life's a b***h, but she throws one hell of a party..

   if you ever want a confidence boost just turn on your tv and watch Maury. If that doesnt help, you need help.

   wondering if what he is wondering is wonderful enough!

   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then they proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   I met this girl who was so ugly that Facebook banned her profile pic and sent her back to Myspace.

   "Man Falls Off Bridge While Urinating" Authorities are still trying to figure out what pissed him off.

   Bomb Disposal Slogan: All's well as long as it's ticking.

   Jesus said in the Bible that it was much easier for children to get into heaven than adults. What priests want in heaven, they get in heaven.

   ' It won't be long now,' said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.'

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.

   A man walked in to a bar and said, "I'll have a pint of less, please." "Less?" the barman replies, "what's that?" "I don't know either," the man said, "but my doctor told me to drink less."

   They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here.

   I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.

   Canceled my trip to Arizona because my dog doesn't have papers...

   I should really turn my cell phone's voice recognition dialing off. I accidentally called Jesus Christ 24 times today. He's getting pissed...

   My childhood self would be surprised I'm not playing with knives and fireworks, just because I can

   some people need to learn proper "Jump Off" ettiquetts.

   Its amazing how many of Darwin's biggest obstacles are allowed the privelage to drive on our roadways in this day in age.

   Today I have decided to wear my goody-two shoes. Yes, they are uncomfortable and NO, you can not borrow them...

   about to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery I just won! Cya later SUCKAS!!