@UncleBSolomon Funny Status Messages

   Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. 🐕

   Fun Fact: All the toilet paper in the NSA headquarters has the 4th Amendment printed on them.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

   Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities

   Was watching the old Night of the living Dead. I though how awful that would be. All those smoke detectors beeping from low batteries.

   I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook. She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

   The Mrs is visiting her mother this weekend, so the dog and I are smoking cigars and playing poker. In our underware!!!!!

   My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] Me: I'm having an affair

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   How was the winter solstice? I missed it because the stores were out of solstice glasses

   This is the first good sized snow fall of the season and honestly the weather on TV is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a two.

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   Be right back, I'm gonna go pet that dog. Me, drunk, about to get butted by a goat. 🐐

   One good thing about this winter snow storm, is it makes my lawn look as good as my neighbors.

   No matter what happens in life, NEVER give up on my dreams. That is why I sleep till noon.

   I love millennials. Their are so many parallel parking spaces they don't know how to park.

   I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."