Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?

   Has not been hitting a lot of homeruns here lately but is swinging a big bat..

   became a fan of I wish I had never googled lemonparty.org

   Why do you have to put "your two cents in..." but its only "a penny for your thoughts"? Where is that extra penny going to???

   420 is the day we celebrate marijuana. 421 is the day employers celebrate random drug testing.

   Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I'm asking for only one.

   They say there's a sucker born every minute but I'd be more curious to find out at what rate swallowers are born.

   Eyjafjallajoekull Volcano. You must be eyjafjallajoking!

   Evidently that good Samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   saw the geico gecko cutting the allstate agent's brake lines, talk about cutting out the middle man.

   friends don't let friends drink with Ben Roethlisberger.

   no keys were harmed in the making of this status quote.

   some old man is claiming Oprah is his daughter.... I think she should atleast interview him on her show. Not because he's her alleged father but because he's a black man admitting he's the baby daddy!

   put a clock in the freezer with the attempt to freeze time. Attempt FAILED! Ughh...

   go on google,type why are a' and look at the first and fifth results in the auto fill

   bought some sea sickness tablets for my holiday. On the side of the box, under the list of possible side effects: 'May cause nausea' - yeah thanks for that!

   What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and the Icelandic volcano? The volcano's still blowing ash.

   I wonder why I always feel like I have to press the Enter Key really hard and noisy??

   Hav you heard of the new drug doctors r giving to depressed lesbians??..its called TRYDICAGAIN!!

   Yo momma's so fat that when she was cremated,all the flights in Europe got cancelled.