Funny Status Messages

   You don't just spontaneously end up this drunk at this hour. It takes several years of practice.

   Old movies make train travel look so romantic, but who in this day and age has time to solve a murder mystery?

   If anyone sees my TV remote control can you tell it I simply want to know if it's safe and happy.

   I'm not really anti abortion, I'm more pro stupid people not having babies...

   You realise Sylvester Stallone is already working up a script for getting a group of prisoners out of post war North Korea

   Not everyone you like will like you back and vice versa. Such is life. Sounding bitter and whiny about it probably won't help your cause.

   If we used our words more often for good things, what a wonderful place this could be.

   Everyone's so busy judging who gay people can marry, and yet not ONE of you stopped me from marrying the wrong guy. Thanks a lot a$$holes.

   Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.

   All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.

   I'm being really funny in real life so I don't have the time to write it all down for you guys

   I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere

   Relationship status ☐ Seeing someone ☐ Not seeing anyone ☐ Your mother is a wh*re ☑ SHUT THE F&CK UP, I'M WATCHING THE BATMAN TRILOGY!

   I'm not saying your wife is fat but her best side is cole slaw.

   If you controlled them they wouldn't be impulses aymore now would they

   Why are the same people that complain about all the Wal Marts okay with a Starbucks on every block??

   I'm hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.

   When I see a overly tan guy wearing jorts, I have to wonder if he's still making payments on that Miata.

   Just ate the last stale peep... :P

   I check your profile once a week to see if you posted a nude. Sue me