Funny Status Messages

   My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively

   I hate arguing through text. I need you to hear the anger and sincerity in my voice when I call you a bi&ch.

   You tell a chick "Hey" and she thinks you're hitting on her. Get over yourself, You look like a lightskin Chris Bosh with a weave on anyway

   Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."

   Never ever give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   Yup, My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   Yo Bit&h, Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   I just had 19 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is awesome!

   I just scrolled sooo far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace.

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" damn line.

   It might be Friday ...... BUT.... SUNDAYS COMING!!!!

   Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.

   It's Friday... Of course it's good : )

   so I'm guessing Ashley is either a girl that dumped your pathetic ass or a hottie that stole you boyfriend? You're a loser either way..

   Sometimes, I'll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it'd be cool if you moved out Amy."

   I don't respect a woman if they have sex on the first date, unless it's with me.

   my real name is Yosef Boots. My meat is so small it looks like a clit with a kneecap!

   I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It's like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012

   "Im not materialistic or superficial".....says the girl who goes shopping to cheer her up