Funny Status Messages

   When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

   Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

   Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.

   Cheating is always worse when a woman does it because she has experience turning down sex. When she cheats, it is premeditated cheating; when a guy cheats, it is just cheating.

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.

   Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"

   waiter: "what would you like to drink?" me: "тнє вℓσσ∂ σƒ му єηємιєѕ" waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter: "is pepsi okay?"

   # 19: You are smart and very attractive and a great ..... Ahhh!, who am I kidding? No one invited me to play this stupid game!

   When a guy catches me naked in bed with his wife I just pretend I'm from the future. And ask for his clothes, his boots and his motorcycle.

   Ladies; don’t get mad when guys stare at your boobs because there is going to be a time in the future when no guy will want to look at your boobs after time has had its way with them and they now look like raisins.

   came down with an incredibly bad case of Leprechaunorrhea last year so he is going to behave himself today!!!

   whoever said tis better to loved and lost than never loved can scuk my ballsack...

   Iran has threatened to sue the filmmakers who made the Academy award winning movie “ARGO,” over their portrayal of Iran in the movie. What's Next? The Irish sue because "SHREK" made them look like Ogres?..... "DONKEY !!!"

   Gangsters in skinny jeans and tight tees? Where do they keep their guns, drug paraphernalia... and food stamps?

   There is nothing wrong with making the same mistake twice as long as you admit it, apologize and accept that you're stupid.

   I am terribly sorry about the inspirational p osts. My dealer gave me inspirational weed.

   Baby we complete each other. I'm the typo and you're my autocorrect.

   Here's to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold beer and another one. #Happy St. Pattys Day