Funny Status Messages

   maybe you're suffering from O.D.D. Obnoxious Drunk Disorder....Ok, now lets do body shots!

   Friday - again, voted the favorite work day of the week for 156 years straight! You stay classy, Friday!!

   Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

   I think I am going to print the constitution on a bunch of rolls of toilet paper and send it to the president and his cronies, that way they can truly wipe thier a$$ with it.

   marijuana is the only medication who may cause good side effect

   more wars have been fought and more peopke killed in the name Of religion (including) the Catholic one than all other reasons combined.

   I need a six month vacation Twice a year.

   The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.

   Watching the women's MAC championship. I'm just going to assume that the bulge in the front of their shorts is just a balled up tube sock.

   my favorite recipe calls for 2 cups of bacon, a tablespoon of bacon, and a dash of bacon.

   Children need a lot of love & understanding but men need even more.

   When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.

   my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks.

   If it tastes funny, don't eat it. If it looks funny, call a doctor. If it is funny, it must have been something I said.

   whats the difference between love & a sandwich? I'm great at making a sandwich

   Watching hagel's interview: why doesn't any reporter ask him that we are the biggest threat to world peace rather than any other nation?

   Oh certainly! That could well explain thousand innocent lives taken by U̶S̶..North Korea

   just because you don't like it doesn't mean it is not true.

   if a woman gives you a pat on the back, you aren't getting any.

   thank goodness for sky plus, now when I watch Comic Relief - I really can go "shut up and die quickly" every time I fast forward