Funny Status Messages

   I don’t get the phrase “cool as a cucumber” because I’ve never seen a cucumber with a tribal tattoo.

   I really hope the meteorite that crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!...Cause I'll Go Mexican..Tequila!

   Just saw A good day to die hard" movie. and its like tthey just took the Benz logo and stuck it on every vehicle they cud find, including a tank!

   Does God love poor people more than rich people? to put it differently, Does God love lazy ass bums more than hardworking folks?

   If death is anything like sleep, sign me up.

   I'm amazed at how far women will go to try to make me jealous. My ex is married now with 3 kids -- I see right through that.

   I don't wait well.

   I don't mean to be a stereotype, but like most women, I love shoplifting.

   If I make a woman feel special using vulgarity and another man politely makes her feel like a piece of shi t, then who is the real gentleman?

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't you better start praying"

   Growing a beard is the closest I've come to caring for an animal.

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   A woman's broken heart can be glued together with molten chocolate.

   I know you didn't intentionally send me all those game requests, much in the same way I didn't intentionally b@sh in your $kull for sending them.

   Alberto Morales found out the hard way that you, "Don't mess with Texas!"

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".

   When I was kid they had a cure for ADHD... It was called a Good @ss Whoopin.

   a woman is driving one day and accidentally rear ends the car in front of her. when the other driver gets out she discovers he is a midget. he is clearly upset and says "i'm not happy". she replies "then which one are you?

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

   My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.