Funny Status Messages

   Google... sqrt(cos(x))*cos(300x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(6-x^2), -sqrt(6-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5

   Peeing after holding it in for over an hour is one of the best feelings that isn't taxed or illegal..

   DESPERATION is exactly what I look for in a woman.

   My wife asked me to take her out on Valentines Day, I did & now I’m headed to prison.

   You mean we can log off? Wait, what? You're kidding.

   I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

   Some women scream when they try clothes on in fitting rooms, but that's probably because they weren't expecting to see me in there.

   I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.

   At my funeral, I want a homie to adjust my junk one last time. I'm not gonna rest peacefully if my balls are pinched between my legs.

   Can I just get a degree based on how many song lyrics I know?

   On Facebook, One man's trash is another man's steady source of naked pictures.

   Rap is like scissors, it always loses to rock.

   I get a lot of, "Sir, if you're not gonna buy anything, you're gonna have to leave," as I creepily linger at Victoria's Secret for 2 hours.

   I like superheroes but I'd rather hang out with the villains.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.

   When we grow old and become mature enough to live happily, we die.

   Does Chris Dorner celebrate Ash Wednesday?

   I haven't got a Twitter account yet, so I just carry around a megaphone and announce what I'm doing at random times. I've got three followers so far - but I think two are cops...

   For lent I'm giving up my valentine ;-)

   I'm one excuse away from calling you.