Funny Status Messages

   How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.

   Wearing crocs is like getting blown by a dude. Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

   My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

   I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands...

   Dear Parents, do your job, and quit having other people make your decisions for you. Buy your damn kids a dog without posting for likes. -The Whole Damn Internet

   Just deleted a guy off my friend list for posting the status "I hate Macaroni and cheese" That's right. I'm not taking crap from anyone today!

   Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my damn goals for the day.

   I don't understand why they're making such a big deal over the Tesco burgers..... Seriously, how many times have you said I'm so hungry I could eat a horse????

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   Its cold enough to chip a nipple...

   Guys, don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. Also, if you don't give her attention someone else will. It's really simple.

   I haven't been this bored since Everlast told me his life story.

   The gym manager just gave me a dirty look....Apparently, reverse cowgirl is not an appropriate way to ride the exercise bike.

   Groupie: Hi. My name's Candi. I'm not a groupie. I'm a friend of the band. Band guy: Wanna $crew? "Friend Of The Band": Okay.

   On a positive note..... North Korea can only reach the west coast, nobody cares about them anyways.

   ME … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ? My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

   I'm old, but I'm not "has friends that have died from natural causes" old.

   Please stop suggesting that we should work out. We don't tell you to go back to school and take 1st grade spelling.

   "My boyfriend this. My boyfriend that. My boyfriend is cooler than you. My boyfriend bought me stuff" - girls that I hate

   anybody else worried about this North Korea threat. I've been nuked in "Empires and Allies" and that didn't turn out so well. This might be worse...