Funny Status Messages

   Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?

   So if you ever want to experience the closest thing to a zombie apocalypse, all you have to do is wait in line for Black Friday at your nearest Wal-Mart...

   I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."

   Breaking News: Romney buys rights to all Jack in the Box tacos sold in Colorado

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there's no place like home.

   Santa, this Christmas all I want is a fat bank account and a slim body. Lets not mix the two up like last year, ok?

   Sign over a gynecologist's office - "Dr. Levy, at your cervix."

   I walk in on my wife putting on wrinkle cream. I ask what she's doing....she replies "Ironing"!!

   Only 33 days until the end of the world. Why is everyone acting so normal?

   Sometimes I feel sorry for God.... He's a single parent and all his children are jerks who think they know it all.

   When buying new sunglasses, always ask yourself, “Do these make me look like a Kardashian or a pedophile?”

   I came I saw I did not take it in the ass.

   Love is trusting someone around your butt-hole.

   The Lakers fired Mike Brown They should now Hire Stan Van Gundy just to see Dwight Howards face.

   the wrong brother got fired...

   Condoms are just like parents...they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around.

   I wonder if teachers play the “who's a virgin” game in their heads in class.

   it's always better to be the crop duster than the dusted crop!

   Women dont say sorry, when a guy is right they say.... "Whatever!"

   I just bought the new vi@gra flavor ice cream...its been 4 hours and it still hasn't melted...