Funny Status Messages

   You know how to make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!!

   Old Yeller's a book? All this time I thought it was my brother tooth...

   She hit the brakes and I hit her, and this beautiful blond gets out and says "Ram me in the a$$ why don't you"! And here your honor is were it gets confusing

   You know your getting fat when you go to unbotton your pants...and it already done

   I need to wash this beer down with another beer

   Glad Facebook knocks me off for "Routine Maintenance"... said by no-one, ever!!

   Hey bartender! I spilt my beer in my mouth, can I get another??

   Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles

   There is this new awesome technology to do group chats... It's called "put your damn phone away and join the conversation!"

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years

   Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society

   "‎"when I was a kid, I was terrified of ear wigs cause I thought they came outta your ears. just imagine when I found out about cockroaches!""

   I think it's sick joke that companies are selling calendars for 2013. Anything to make a buck.

   Never treat someone like an iPhone when they treat you like a BlackBerry.

   Tom cruise is going to leave Scientology? Will he take the Bullet or the beating- or the massage from john travolta?

   Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.

   What is this Gangnam stle everyone is going on about? And can I use it in the bedroom?

   b#tches are like Monday's - nobody likes them but everybody has to deal with them!

   Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to the data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.

   How many times in your life have you said HE or SHE is the one only to find out that you were mistaken?