Funny Status Messages

   Wife: Wanna go to the make-up store with me? Me: Uuuuuuuhhh no. *This tweet was written from the make-up store*

   Just lookin' for some nice buns! You know, something that won't make my wiener look small!!

   Nobody's perfect ..... My name is nobody

   did yuo konw taht as lnog as the frist and lsat lteter is in the rghit palce you can sitll raed tihs?

   it's funny a year ago everyone was panicking about the end of the world in 2012, now we're only 2 months away and no one cares

   Toilet paper is a lot like money... You never seem to have any when you need it most!

   if you're on a flip phone in your profile picture, it's time for an update...

   Dominos: “We spent 3 years perfecting our pan pizza dough.” Dude, its flour and water…

   Quit blaming your parents for everything wrong in your life... Be grateful they saw you through your teeenage years and didn't kill you

   Everyone's like "I love Obama" or "I love Romney" and I'm just over here like "I love whiskey and beer"

   So if I get the job at Walmart,,, do I pull my own teeth out,, or does it happen during orientation ?

   Thirsty Thursday should be a national holiday!!

   My boss; Are you Tweeting? Me; No, I'm Tworking Boss; What? Me; Hello Tweeting while working Boss; That's not a real word Me; Twhatever

   Why are they called One Direction? Looks to me like they go both ways.

   I didn't text you, vodka did.

   Aren't you glad you no longer have that “Call Me Maybe” song in your head? Oops. Sorry.

   Just bought a Hyundai but it's sonota big deal.

   Febreeze should make underwear.

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar

   wants to attract a lot of guys this halloween so I'll be dressing up as a case of beer!! Burrrrrrp