Funny Status Messages

   While you're busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out doing someone else for real.

   Getting married has nothing to do with the wedding.

   Since nobody will admit to it, my son is the only proof that I've actually had sex.

   When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.

   Just one typo and, the next thing you know, you're depending upon the kindness of stranglers.

   I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I'm just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!

   Looking back on my time taking flight lessons,, I realize why I could never be a pilot. Not because I'm afraid to fly or couldn't handle instructions from the tower,,, but because I kept making machine gun noises at EVERYTHING I saw.

   I Just saw a dude with a pic of his truck airbrushed on the tailgate of his truck... The awesomeness of it,, melted my face and got my wife pregnant.

   Dear fucktards at baseball games in football team gear. It doesn't count; you look like you're lost…

   nothing screams sellout more than being an adult in Taylor Swift's band...

   Breaking News: 36% of Witches are indicating it is cold out.....

   There are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on !

   Ladies: If you're wearing 6-inch heels and can bend down and touch the floor without falling over, you're good to go for another drink.

   You ever fart so loud that your ex-girlfriend calls you to see how you're doing?

   Whenever I see someone crossing the street, I swear I can hear them say 'You don't have the balls to floor it.'

   Sorry I'm late, boss. I had vodka for dinner.

   I bet bunnies would be super-stoked if we introduced them to salad dressing.

   This guy behind me in the security line is looking at me like that fart was mine for sure

   Joe Biden's teeth are so white , they'll probably vote for Romney .

   any shirt can be a dress when your dad doesn't love you.