Funny Status Messages

   Voting for president is getting to the point where it's simply which guy would you rather watch dump all your money into a toilet and flush.

   I named my truck Karma, so if I ever run someone over I can say: Yeah…it was Karma.

   If you were mine, your next boyfriend would thank me for straightening your clueless and inexperienced ass out.

   Most relationships can survive a lot, but not shopping together for a new couch.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back knocking on your door with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   16 and pregnant? Where were all these slutty girls when I was 18?

   I hate to imagine the drinks served at a party in your pants.

   It's not a real party unless someone gets a d ick drawn on their face.

   There's a spider in my panic room. Ironic little thing.

   If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.

   Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I'm in 3rd.

   Ladies; Do you get more jealous when your boyfriend talks to someone prettier than you or someone smarter/clever than you?

   Ladies, the third outfit you try on is always our favourite because we just want all this torture and torment to end.

   If your car looks like a cop car... YOU ARE VERY MUCH A DOUCHEBAG!!

   My back is killing me from picking up all these chicks.

   You can learn a lot about a person if you install a hidden camera in their bedroom.

   If you're a chick who says “chivalry is dead” I hate to be the one to tell you, but its only dead for you because you're ugly.

   Canada is the gay brother of English-speaking countries.

   I just seen a place advertising pink wipers. Personally, I don't care what color they are as long as they don't start gagging and call me disgusting like my last wiper did ツ

   She put me in the family zone, which would be cool if we were in Kentucky.