Funny Status Messages
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A Texas man died during a lap dance at a strip club. His Tomstone is going to read "His wife said he was a good hubby, but he died with a chubby." 
I never root for a mime or a guy with a chain wallet to walk it across the street successfully.
I am the undefeated champion of this"smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day" game
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I'm just a boy. In love with a girl. Standing here quietly. Behind your shower curtain. Watching.
Mexican word of the day "Budweiser" That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
mexican word for the day: "Herpes". Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
I've tried listening, comforting and giving concrete solutions to your problem. Nothing worked. Is it me or your endless PMS?
Today 9/6 marks the end of my 7 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror. just like this one here......oops, Oh crap, not again.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I'm kidding, it's her boobs.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.
I wonder if the people who live above me will let me come up and pet their elephants...
Sometimes I feel like I respect spiders just because women hate them.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that breast implants are way easier than math.
How to win his love: 1. hold your own hair. 2. tell him he's big. 3. make him laugh at you. 4. be quiet.
I'm an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Relationships are all about finding someone that hates your parents as much as you do.
Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work. 