Funny Status Messages

   I feel bad that God made you so stupid, but no, I'm not doing extra work to keep you from looking bad.

   I had to take a lie detector test at a job interview once. No I didn't.

   Cats are so disgusting it makes them puke.

   You'd think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it's a guy in a costume every time.

   I went to church for confession. It's strange. I don't remember the priest's dialogue ever containing "The power of Christ compells you!" before.

   My relationship with my Ex was purely psychological... She was a psycho and I was totally logical.

   Earlier I dug into my couch cushions, found Wyclef's career and my long lost TV's remote. I put Wyclef's career back coz no one is looking for it.

   Remember when I used to like you? Me neither.

   Jumbo tampons and magnum condoms should be on the same shelf for chance meetings and match making purposes.

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong.

   "The best things in life are me." - Narcissists.

   Probably the worst time to say "Or what?!" is when the cops are telling you to drop the gun and step out of the vehicle.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman bored.

   Forget the Mars rover, science's greatest accomplishment has to be keeping that baby from falling out of Snooki.

   call me a weasel, a coward or a jerk but whenever I am feelin smothered, manipulated, controlled, used, trapped or suffocating in a relationship I always bail out.

   Sometimes I wish every guy gets a girlfriend like mine...why the hell should only I suffer.

   One Flush: Courtesy. Two flushes: Don't go in there! Three flushes: run for your lives, she's gonna blow!

   I am so sorry they can't dislodge my stress ball from your ass :(

   I had a star named for you. Now everyone can look up in the sky and say "look, there's the Tremendous Ass!".

   You had me at 'gender realignment scars'.