Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Lying about my age is easier now that I sometimes forget what it is.

   A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.

   You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a job application.

   I'm a lesbian and i'm ok. A butch all night and a femme all day.

   a friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing "someone's gonna get it!"

   What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm.

   .My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.

   I don't mind running into debt. It's running into my creditors that's embarrassing.

   Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   ..poked in the heart and you're to blame..you give Facebook a bad name..

   I hope the trend of businesses placing hand sanitizers everywhere soon extends to ATMs.Imagine what germs the slobs who use my ATM are carrying,considering they can't even bother to either take their receipts or throw them in a garbage can 6 inches away

   ..just has this way of lighting up a room whenever she walks in. She flips a switch.

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

   Now that the well is capped, legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I've got three words of advice: British. Petroleum. Jelly.

   Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films."Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

   She blinded me with science. By science, I mean pepper spray.

   I was very ambitious about achieving goals until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people.

   I met a girl in a pub last night.We ended up going back to hers.After a few more drinks, we started kissing & having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."I said,"Okay you grab one end and I'll grab the other.