mds Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes, life is like a jar of jalapenos.... What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

   Nelson Mandela is dead. he has done some simply stunning things in his lifetime, my favorite was his performance as Red in Shawshank Redemption.

   'Nelson Mandela dies at 95' Respect where it's due... That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker!

   I asked the librarian if they have any books on innuendos. "Yes, but it's a fairly large one, so you'll have to take it in the rear"

   Just bought the new book set "Understanding Women" the simplified version. it's 14 volumes with over 876 pages per volume.

   A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!

   Winds up to 108 mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...sure is making this texting while driving a real challenge.

   If you heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another, then that information might of come from the same person that was in that REO Speedwagon song.

   The French have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine. They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance.

   The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won't need to adjust her driving.

   I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.' You don't need shoes to walk on gravel, but they help.

   He came hopping out of nowhere... I nearly spilled my beer, while I was driving along texting with the radio cranked up. Suddenly, I seen a flash of gray followed up with a "thump-thump!" Anyway Happy Easter! Sorry if you didn't get anything, my bad.

   "This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning. "What the hell have I done now?" I asked her. "Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've just woke up."

   I walked in on my son flushing handfuls of Skittles down the toilet "OMG! Check this out Dad!" He said excitedly "It's just like watching NASCAR at Bristol!"

   Just saw a guy getting mugged. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day #NotMyValentinesDay

   I'm not saying she's bipolar, but for nearly two hours I thought her mood ring was a strobe light.

   The next four weeks is going to be incredibly difficult for people whose grandmother's actually have been ran over by reindeer.

   My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.