LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.

   ..just watched a DVD that was 3.142 stars out of 5. It was a pi rated movie.

   Exercise programme: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar.Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix.

   I was shopping with my little niece. She asked if we could go to McDonalds. I joked "If you can spell it,we will go there." She then replied "Nevermind. Let's go to KFC instead."

   Recession: when your neighbor loses his job. Depression: when you lose your job. Recovery: when Gordon Brown loses his job.

   I asked my psychiatrist the other day if she thought I was crazy. She said, "No", so I put the flamethrower down.

   Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? So she didnt wake the sleeping pills.

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   I've figured out how to avoid getting parking tickets;I've taken the windscreen wipers off my car.

   ..sold her tv and bought a dvd player. Bargain! Oh..wait..

   Tip of the Day: When greeting your friend Jack at an airport,do not yell "HI,JACK!!". Another tip: prison food is terrible.

   ..believes so strongly in reincarnation that she's written a will and left everything to herself..

   Why does David Hasselhoff call himself "The Hoff"? Because he couldn't put up with the hassle.

   ..really hates her boss. When I showed up 2 hours late,he shouted at me. I told him I had fallen down the stairs . He said "So? That doesn't take two hours!!"

   A survey taken showed that 50% of people described sex as a "deep,meaningful,soul-bonding act of showing eternal love to your partner". The other 50% were men.

   BREAKING NEWS: Barack Obama knocked down by reversing car. The American people are asking the driver to come forward.

   Why is it that Volvic Mineral Water, which has been filtered through volcanic rock for millions of years, has a Best Before date?

   ..is sleeping naked. I just wish that stewardess would go away. I don't care if there are children on this plane!

   Whats the difference between a wife and a prostitute? One's on contract,the other's pay-as-you-go.

   The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in.