Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Without coffee and alcohol, we'd all hate each other a whole lot more.

   Don't ask to use my Phone, and then start going through my photos, contacts, messages and call history, unless you want to meet God before I do.

   As a comedian, people don't care about you until you speak, then they like you. As a model it's the opposite.

   Some guy at work just asked me if I was homosexual. His exact words were "Do you like Twilight?"

   You call it an invitation to your wedding. I call it an invitation to free food and alcohol.

   Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

   Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over.

   The less people you chill with, the less drama you deal with.

   It must have been very awkward for the guy who invented the tampon when he had to explain his invention to everyone else.

   I have the ability to get wasted and function at the office appropriately the next day... it's my super power.

   No honey you are not fat. You are just too sexy that it overflows.

   Sure I'll quit Facebook. Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as funny and cool as my 'fake' Facebook friends!

   I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.

   No matter how expensive the perfume a stripper wears, it will never cover up the smell of poor decision making.

   You laugh because you think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.

   If you can't take a joke, don't walk around looking like one.

   I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "It's Never Going To Happen"

   It's up to you to find the beauty in the ugliest day.

   If you are not at the table, you are probably on the menu.