Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Better days are coming. They're called Saturday and Sunday.

   Don't rush me. I'm waiting for the last minute.

   Life is like a kernel of corn. You'll go through some $hit, only to come out clean in the end.

   A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.

   Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.

   I saw your mother naked and everything went black!!! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart!!!

   A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

   Damn it, we're men. It's our god-given right to watch sports and smut.

   Thinks it would be completly acceptable to eat Taco Bell tacos today for lent because they don't contain REAL meat

   Women are like computers....... They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.

   There's another Twilight coming out??? WTF, when will this f*cken torture end!!

   Sex is like air... it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   "Before you leave the American Idol stage please sing a song and remind everyone why they didn't vote for you."

   I want a Toyota even more than before. Now if you get pulled over you can blame the accelerator!

   Copywight 2010 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

   Spent the whole day checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks

   You know the chilli you had last night was good, when you have to wipe your a$$ with a snow cone!!!

   just got the call that I'm going to be on national TV tomorrow night (Saturday). I haven't said anything about it because I didn't know when it was going to be on. Make sure you look for me at 8pm on Fox

   I Speak Fluent Sarcasm....

   80's music is so 2002