Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The police have trained sniffer dogs to identify criminals who are carrying guns, coke and cash. Or "Mexicans", as I prefer to call them.

   If your going to shoot a black kid and claim self defense, make sure you dont lie to the judge, and have $135,000 worth of asset and 2 passports!! Take some bathsalt to the head afterwards if you thinking about it.

   Hey Merriweather, since you're ducking Pacquiao you can fight O.J. now!!! Inmate!

   My legs are so white they signed their kids up for way too many extra-curricular activities.

   If you hang around four broke people, I guarantee you will be the fifth.

   remember the good ole days when you only had to worry about creepy white guys trying to eat your face.

   Spike Lee must have planted that extra passport and assets on George Zimmermen!!!

   Florida's Zombie, Florida's Zimmerman, Florida's Laws, and Florida's Heat Team....sounds like Floridans are leading the chart in the Funny

   If your friends always ask you to take pictures, are they not also implying you're too damn ugly to be in those pictures?

   I can sponsor a child for $.79 a day, but it costs me $2.99 a minute to chat with my "special friend"! Sorry poor, starving children. Its a tough economy so daddy needs his sexy talk.

   Bath salts side effects include: hallucinations, delusions, erratic behavior, immunity to bullets and being a terrible kisser.

   Are we running out of chickens to eat? Another student found eating brains and heart cops says!

   I don't care what you listened to on spotify.

   "You have the cutest little baby back rib face." The last thing you want to hear in Florida.

   Random Fact: Girls don't CARRY condoms in their wallets like men do... Instead, they HIDE them under the powder in their compacts. "LIKE" if you know this to be true.

   Ever read the nutrition facts on a bottle of water??? It does nothing for you people!!

   I'm hungry, and the only thing around is this guys face next to me.

   How long will it take our government to have a zombie vaccination

   I found a butterfly on the ground that had no wings. So, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... it drowned.

   If I'm on a date & its bad, I'm just gonna stand up & say "I'm an actor, they're all actors & you're on MTV's Disaster Date!" & run out.....