Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Violets are blue, roses are red, I wrote this poem for you so give me some head.

   why do some people have a uterus AND a mustache?

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.

   My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.

   Dear Slut: If you need 2 different guys to date at the same time, please don't expect me to be one of them.

   If you ever decide to commit suicide by jumping from a building, the least you could do is wear a cape first.

   First rule of the fight club should be: "Do not eat beans before the fight"

   Actually Ke$ha, I think the rest of us don't want to die young. But you should definitely go ahead without us.

   No pants are the best pants.

   Some were born to stalk, some were born to be stalked.

   I'm white, but I'm not "have babies on purpose" white.

   I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.

   Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p orn. It's a fight to the finish now.

   I like big brains and I can not lie.

   We've got our p orno turned up really loud so the neighbours don't hear us having sex.

   Nobody gives a about how amazing your relationship is. You're on Facebook. It can't be that good.

   When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put them back quietly.

   Serious question: do the Kardashians breed like humans or do they lay eggs?

   Researchers say men are 3 times more likely to be the first to say "I love you", than women. In our defence, ladies, we don't mean it

   Just looked up from my phone. Worst 5 seconds of my life.