Funny Status Messages

   I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!!!

   The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.

   Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?

   To err is human , to arr is Pirate ...

   The U.S. Secret Service...secretly being serviced ;)

   Love comes from the brain; an erecti0n comes from the heart.

   You need a best friend you can have sex with.

   Don't judge me just because I sin differently from you.

   If I had a dollar for every time a woman called me a jerk, I'd buy an iPad.

   I guess Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now, and apparently it's getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the guy Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with

   I hadn't planned on doing anything today. So far, I am right on schedule!

   Husband: "Honey, has the postman come yet?" Wife: "No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard."

   Looking right through a woman's sundress as she walks away from me. Sunshine rules.

   I'm single, meaning I don't have anyone dragging me into the theaters to go see the 'Hunger Games'...

   Why is it I can remember every word to the humpty dance but have no idea what I came into the kitchen to get?

   i've always wanted to walk to a stranger, hand them a briefcase and whisper, "You know what to do." and walk away....

   Bro Tip: Wink at the cute lady on the elevator and push the 6 and 9 buttons over and over until she gives in.

   Don't underestimate stupid people. They outnumber us.

   If you're eating nachos and not singing nacho nacho man you're probably not as drunk as me.

   Life is nothing but anticipation followed by feelings of nostalgia for times that really weren't all that great.