Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NEWS FLASH: Dodgers announce opening-day promotion: first 1000 fans get a set of "HIV & HER" bathroom towels

   Kim Kardashian dating Kanye? The only thing bigger than Kim's ass is Kanye's ego. They must balance each other out.

   I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

   I heard “The Thong Song” three times today! Did Sisqo die or something?

   Whoever said nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree

   CheapEasyFast is for Traffic School not your women

   If the rubber doesn't fit, don't do it.

   Welp, my facebook wall is full of religion today (Good Friday). This makes me exempt from attending Mass later, right?!?! Pretty sure I've been preached to enough for a day.

   Dear Syrian President Bashar Assad: if you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks, may I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber and Kardashians?

   Happy Sorta Sucks to be the Savior Day...Because it is a farcry of a Good Friday fro him.

   The Boston Red Sox are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies... Sox officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field

   There's always that one person who doesn't get it. Don't be that person, no...don't be that person.

   I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Twitter. I can't understand why the Americans are so upset. All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911." However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.

   Bad Opening Day for the Red Sox. They lose, even after Ortiz hits a Sac-Fly in the ninth......Heck, I didn't even know flies had sacs.

   Somebody asked me if I sleep in my underwear... I answered Depends... probably not the best answer

   Dear Easter Bunny, no chocolate this year..... just bring me gas!! (not the kind that the boiled eggs give you either)

   Kids, watch out for Obama supporters! They'll take half your Easter eggs and give it to the kids who were too lazy to hunt for their own.........

   My bark and bite are equally ineffectual

   In 9th grade coach said my sweater made me look gay. I replied good, as I wanted his wife to leave me alone. 'F' in gym.

   When a man tries and fails to open a jar, he has to kill any witnesses