Funny Status Messages

   Beware of women who have had enough BS and no longer care about the consequences of their actions!

   Trying to find my happy place again... but.... I may not find it, 'cause guys don't ask for directions.

   Well, Jimmy Crack corn..... and you guessed it.

   farting in a plastic bag and selling it to kids

   If you're a polygamist married to several women and dont have a wedding ring that says, "One ring to rule them all." You're just wasting everybody's time.

   I just checked. There are no restraining orders against you. There's no reason you can't attend church!!!!

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you've never even tasted one?

   Fat people just want to get into your pantries.

   Please touch this. ~MC Hammer, 2012

   A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it's a trap because the prerequisites are English 101 & Brrrains!!!

   People who say "think outside the box" should be forbidden from ever judging other people's creativity.

   Tip: you can save a step in the morning by putting mouthwash on your cereal instead of milk.

   If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.

   I woke up one day and your name just didn't make me smile anymore.

   Is marshmallow a vegetable or a fruit?

   70% of my enemies were once my friends.

   People say, "You have to work on a marriage." I say, “No thank you. I already have a job.”

   Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me.