Funny Status Messages

   just listed all my facebook friends as beneficiaries...if I die today, you're all gonna clear a cool .37 cents...oh yea

   ESPN would explode if Jeremy Lin wore a Yankee uniform and dunked on LeBron in front of Brett Favre and then Tebowed

   Dear wifey; Just because I'm laughing while I'm reading a text message, does not automatically mean I'm flirting with someone. Your forever-innocent hubby.

   White folks are so comfortable with rap music nowadays that we gonn start seein' fanny packs that say "Thug Life".

   6 reasons to masturbate: Saves time, saves money, reduces stress, cures headaches, hurts nobody, & pisses off the Pope.

   Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.

   If your wife totally let's herself go and looks nothing like when you dated her, you should be allowed to divorce her.

   Bi$ch please, I can wipe 90 percent of you're so called "BEAUTY" off with a freaking towel!

   Last night my wife and I had a dinner party. About Halfway through it, I decided to walk the dog. My wife went mental and told me to grow up and stop doing tricks with my yoyo.

   That moment when you leave your facebook up around your friends when you get a msg, friend request, and a few notifications to make it look like your popular

   After just 3 min. of reading a MAXIM in a waiting room, I grew a thick goatee & told a nurse to "Make me a damn sandwich."

   Heads up Army Corps of Engineers: I just introduced something to the sewer system you may be dealing with shortly.

   Saw a field of baby antelopes hatch from their cantaloupes last night, So magical........

   That moment of epic sadness when you shut down the computer and then you realize that you need it again.

   One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"

   Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

   No but seriously if you are still posting pics of what you got for Valentines you do know you are the other chick right?

   I bet Martin Luther King hit the snooze button like 40 times to try & get back to his awesome dream.

   that moment when you step into your car after work and unleash the thousands of farts you've been holding in all day

   "It's complicated" is Facebook for "he's not hittin' it right."