Funny Status Messages
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Welp ladies valentines day is over. Time for the men to go back to being a-holes again. 
Congrats Whitney!! 3 days sober!!
Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open
I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard.
I wish folks would stop these Passive Aggressive attempts at trying to guilt us into advancing their religious, social, or political causes by ending the posts with, "Let's see how many of my true friends will post this." PI$$ OFF!
This traffic cop obviously has not heard that 60 is the new 30...
Shakira attacked by a Sea Lion.. early reports show that it could attack again whenever, wherever
Since when does "I'm wanking" sound like "come in"
it bad that everytime I see a blind person and their dog I want to honk like I'm about to hit them and see what they do?
My boss just said can you come in my office. It turns out we meant different things
Even if you try and slip it in, they still know it's coming
I'm trying to break my record of 4 wanks in an hour, I'm abit tired I hope I can do it. My sisters pulling for me
Don't let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and evict them.
I'm getting suspicious about my doctor, I think he's trying to turn me into MJ or Whitney on the slide......
THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I'm out of beer.
Advertisers: you can stop using "it will change your life" as a selling point. Cocaine, unemployment, and AIDS will also change your life.
I'm obsessed with the tv show "Hoarders". I have 12 episodes on my DVR that I already watched, but I won't delete.
to the person copying and rewording jokes from sickipedia dot org your not making them anymore funny
My wife just shouted from another room "can you come to the phone" I shouted back "what sort of distance are we talking"
I hope the one night stand was worth the free trip to TGI Friday's and the box of Whitman's Chocolates. 